I thought I was getting over this

I try not to dwell on it, but this past week has been very difficult. And I've been ignoring that.

Yesterday, I browsed the Gospels for some comfort. But it felt like I had read it all, and the important parts many times over. It seemed irrelevant. I knew it wasn't, but that's how it felt.
I put the Bible back on the shelf.

I'm incredibly frustrated by my life right now. With my inability to inflict any change with my family, how little I've changed, the way I'm living, my disconnect with friends who used to be close, not being able to be openly friendly, my lack of a social life outside of Ryan.
As much as I like to think I've learned about dealing with the crap happening around me, I'm still pasting on a small smile and speaking calmly. I still have so much anger, so much hate built up inside of me - I'm directing it at every person I pass on the street, every building of my school. They're not special enough. They're holding me back. Not letting me be myself. I know full well that I'm to blame for all of that, but realizing that doesn't seem to improve anything.
But it's almost as though I don't want release. The only outlet I'll allow is that every few days I'll sulk when Ryan's around, and my silent disconnect hurts him more than any amount of yelling. Being angry feels too valid, hurting others feels too deserving.

My roommate needs to sleep, and I have a report to do.
I have to stop this.