This week, Jubilee got a letter from one of the death row inmates that some of the Partners visit. Al read it out loud as part of his devotion session, and while the prisoner did not seem particularly optimistic about his situation (for good reason), he did have some very wise words to say, in his own way. I remember him saying something along the lines of: one can not choose whether one is good or evil, or what sins one is destined to commit, because saying that you have free will is to put yourself higher than God. But no matter what our actions turn out to be or what fate the Lord has in store for us, we must accept that it is our role in this life, and we must remember that God is within and around each and every one of us. We must 'Let Go and Let God.'
Scheduled to be murdered with the consent of society. What a lonely, lonely place to be and fate to accept.
I have been trying to wrap my mind around the concept of the Lord being above good or evil as of late. This isn't to say necessarily that God does evil things, but that our concept of good and evil is flawed. With so much in this world consisting of shades of grey and the goodness or badness of every situation being relative to points of view, for us to say that God would be simpler is absolutely ludicrous. I must learn to accept those parts of myself that I have labeled as evil as simply being parts of myself in the way that God has made me. Yes, I should try to change myself into a better person, but this means changing myself into a 'more true' person as opposed to a 'more good' person. While the 'more true' mostly lines up with what I used to consider the 'more good,' it also involves accepting and loving the faults in myself and the faults in others. As to how much I think I have figured out of what Truth is, Love is as far as I've gotten. Right now, I hope that it's as much as I need.
Jesus basically told his disciples that he could tell them what Truth was, but they wouldn't get it. I will have to content myself with the particles of it that the Lord chooses to show me.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Too Much for Words
This summer keeps barrelling on without much regard to how much time I have to update my blog.
Today marks my seventh day as a Volunteer at Jubilee Partners. It's been scary, unexpected, familiar, too far, and too close all at the same time.
The other Volunteers are all very nice and I get along with them very well so far - although I sometimes go off to brood or read or sketch, which may be coming off as anti-social. Well, that wouldn't be too far off the mark. There's a couple of people here who seem very "main-stream". I don't mean that in the Counter-Culture Elitist way so much as the fact that a few seem very interested in partying and drinking and popular culture, which I didn't expect from anyone who wanted to come to Jubilee. It probably has something to do with us being such a young group. Perhaps they are the ones who will most benefit from being here.
As far as faith is concerned, I'm still finding myself very confused. Part of me feels like I should be staying home and looking after my family, as fruitless and thankless as that would be. A great deal of me wants to escape to Ryan's room and never leave. Sometimes I get nervous when there are a lot of people in the K-House (the main house where the Volunteers live and the entire community meets for meals). The other Volunteers are either very mainstream (as I mentioned) or I've-Been-Doing-Service-My-Entire-Life-I'm-So-Close-To-God-type people. Neither type helps me feel less alone in where I stand. If I can't recover my spirit here at Jubilee, I don't know where else to go. This is my last option, and possibly my last chance.
My chief jobs at Jubilee are (in descending order): driver, correspondence assistant to Don Mosley, painter, laundry person for the K-House and when the refugees leave, and back-up computer consultant. I will also teach the advanced beginner class and do refugee childcare.
The word "advanced" is very relative. Coming from Berundi, which suffered the same genocide made famous in Rwanda, the refugees I am teaching are having a difficult time reading analog clocks and can only comprehend the present continuous tense so far. They can count money and are more-or-less literate in their own language, but chances are that they will never meet a stranger in Atlanta who also speaks Kirundi. They only receive two months of instruction at Jubilee, no matter what their level. Then, they are removed to Atlanta, where they will receive two months of financial aid before being let loose in a country that's 'foreign' to the absolute extreme meaning of the word. My students have children, few job skills, and no way to comprehend most of what will be going on around them in Atlanta. I can't fail them. I can't let myself do that. Of all the injustices they have suffered after being removed from their homes and imprisoned in refugee camps, me not being able to help them would be the greatest sin of all.
It just hit me last night that Ryan will hear from Northwestern in the next week or so. There is no reason he wouldn't be accepted. I must stop day-dreaming about what fall would be like if he were to stay at UGA. It won't happen.
I'm so scared. I've been dreading this throughout our relationship. I knew it was coming. Oh, Lord, I don't know if I could survive losing him.
I leave with my first word in Kirundi that I've learned, spelled phonetically.
"Ensawa" = "Good"
Today marks my seventh day as a Volunteer at Jubilee Partners. It's been scary, unexpected, familiar, too far, and too close all at the same time.
The other Volunteers are all very nice and I get along with them very well so far - although I sometimes go off to brood or read or sketch, which may be coming off as anti-social. Well, that wouldn't be too far off the mark. There's a couple of people here who seem very "main-stream". I don't mean that in the Counter-Culture Elitist way so much as the fact that a few seem very interested in partying and drinking and popular culture, which I didn't expect from anyone who wanted to come to Jubilee. It probably has something to do with us being such a young group. Perhaps they are the ones who will most benefit from being here.
As far as faith is concerned, I'm still finding myself very confused. Part of me feels like I should be staying home and looking after my family, as fruitless and thankless as that would be. A great deal of me wants to escape to Ryan's room and never leave. Sometimes I get nervous when there are a lot of people in the K-House (the main house where the Volunteers live and the entire community meets for meals). The other Volunteers are either very mainstream (as I mentioned) or I've-Been-Doing-Service-My-Entire-Life-I'm-So-Close-To-God-type people. Neither type helps me feel less alone in where I stand. If I can't recover my spirit here at Jubilee, I don't know where else to go. This is my last option, and possibly my last chance.
My chief jobs at Jubilee are (in descending order): driver, correspondence assistant to Don Mosley, painter, laundry person for the K-House and when the refugees leave, and back-up computer consultant. I will also teach the advanced beginner class and do refugee childcare.
The word "advanced" is very relative. Coming from Berundi, which suffered the same genocide made famous in Rwanda, the refugees I am teaching are having a difficult time reading analog clocks and can only comprehend the present continuous tense so far. They can count money and are more-or-less literate in their own language, but chances are that they will never meet a stranger in Atlanta who also speaks Kirundi. They only receive two months of instruction at Jubilee, no matter what their level. Then, they are removed to Atlanta, where they will receive two months of financial aid before being let loose in a country that's 'foreign' to the absolute extreme meaning of the word. My students have children, few job skills, and no way to comprehend most of what will be going on around them in Atlanta. I can't fail them. I can't let myself do that. Of all the injustices they have suffered after being removed from their homes and imprisoned in refugee camps, me not being able to help them would be the greatest sin of all.
It just hit me last night that Ryan will hear from Northwestern in the next week or so. There is no reason he wouldn't be accepted. I must stop day-dreaming about what fall would be like if he were to stay at UGA. It won't happen.
I'm so scared. I've been dreading this throughout our relationship. I knew it was coming. Oh, Lord, I don't know if I could survive losing him.
I leave with my first word in Kirundi that I've learned, spelled phonetically.
"Ensawa" = "Good"
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