rewind/fastforward/dontmove/fullspeed

This school year is ending, and for the first time that I can remember, I feel more alive for the fact that it happened.

I've dug my pit deeper, pulled myself to its rim, and was carried far away from it (it sometimes casts the shadows in the corners of my room). My relationship with God has waned to the point of desperation, risen high enough that I've caught sight of my old faith, and been warped to the questioning of rightwrong specialuniform changingstatic whoiam whoimmeanttobe. I now know that I can survive without my best friends around, although who I am changes without their influence - I don't know if for better or worse. I still don't know what I'm doing here, but I'm trying to make that into something more or less good.

I've fallen in love.

And really, that's what has changed everything.

I no longer feel old. I no longer feel that time is a better friend the faster it moves. I am so much stronger - I've cried already this year, and it wasn't even for sadness. I still get dizzy and my body still has trouble dealing with stress, but I've kept my weight (a little too well, actually). I've had a couple of conversations with my family that were more than superficial. That should be a goal this coming year, to learn to talk to them a little.
And hey, I'm still writing, aren't I? I must be more than just alive.

Yes, I've been living for about six or seven months now. My life is good. I am always just being born, and I thank God for that above many, many things.

This summer: Lake of the Ozarks, Mexico City, Jubilee Partners. I won't write here often, but I will write.

"Now is only soil. Ideas, the seeds we plant in them, exist outside of that. Now is just a neutral substance, something that lasts forever but never really starts.
Now, we will live forever. Now, we will love forever. Now, we are as the same person, sometimes." - RB