Summer's Ending

How on earth can typing take so much effort?

The preceeding was a half-hearted excuse for not updating.

Now then. Today marks the beginning of my last full week at Jubilee Partners, which I will leave on August 8th. I'm not sure how I feel about the time I've spent here. I was expecting something monumental, an obvious turning point. One thing I should've learned by this point in my life is to not expect things to be so simple. At my low points, I feel as though the only thing I've learned here is that there are many, many wrongs that I am guilty of or contributing to simply because I was born more priviledged than others (white, middle-class, American, able-bodied, and reasonably intelligent). I can't plead ignorance about this anymore, but I also feel powerless to do anything about it. In other words, I feel less and less worthy of the space I'm taking up on earth. On the good days, I feel like God is paying attention to me - which is humbling, though still uplifting. At any given time, I'm less and less sure about who I am, what I'm doing, and the words that come out of my mouth (I stutter a lot these days). No, I haven't found any great answers. Not even any okay answers. I haven't met my salvation or finally figured out what paths I should take. But I'm a little more open, a little more patient, and, at times, a little more hopeful. That's something, at any rate.

I'm looking forward to being back at school (remind me to read this sentence when I start complaining). I'll be working towards a goal, feeling more connected, pleasantly distracted, and using high-speed internet. Most of all, I'll constantly be near Ryan, who has decided to stay at UGA for at least one more semester. No more of the endless wishing he's here, no more of him visiting just long enough to say goodbye, no more having to beat myself up about being so hopelessly dependent. For now. We've been together nearly ten months now, and I still can't get over how weird it is. I thought I wasn't like this. I was proud, blindly driven, no one's prisoner. Now, I'm second-guessing whether I should study abroad because I don't know that I could spend another summer being so far away from him. I was also stubborn, cold, and relentlessly alone. Now, I wonder why I feel as though I have to fight against being this happy.
There. I said it. I'm happy.
I don't get it either.


Right now, these words speak the most to me. They're carved around a playground structure in the center of Jubilee, and as I look back on all the trials and mistakes and miracles that brought me here, I am certain that, somehow, this is where I'm meant to be.
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39, New International Version

of course it would happen this way

I was sorting new books for Jubilee's library when I came across a phrase in one of the book's blurbs. It was something like reconciling the dichotomy between the belief in a merciful God with no justice or a just God with no mercy. I find the concept of Hell very disturbing. We are supposed to believe that God loves his/her people so much and does not want them to go to Hell, where they would be in a lot of pain. However, this Hell is a place that God created, or, at the very least, allows to exist. A place specifically for the people who choose to be separate from God to go and suffer.
A loving God would create such a place?



An anecdote from one of the Partners: After a hurricane devastated parts of Nicaragua, an aid worker from the US was talking to a Nicaraguan woman, with the Partner translating. The Nicaraguan woman had spent five days trying to escape from the flooding. She and her family started by climbing on the table. As the water continued to rise, they climbed into the rafters. Then, onto the roof. Finally, she had to assist her older children into a tall tree and carried the youngest on her back into the branches. On the fifth day of trying to escape the rising water with little or no food, the rain stopped.
"Where was God in all this?" the American aid worker asked through the Partner. The woman didn't understand, and the Partner had to translate and re-word the question many times. Finally, the woman grasped the meaning of the question and said she could answer it.
"Praise be to God," she said, "He stopped the rain on the fifth day."

That, at least, I understand.

************************************

Ryan finally got his response from Northwestern. He was accepted into the School of Arts and Sciences, but not the Journalism School, which was his whole point in going. He can either choose a different major and go to Chicago, choose a different major and stay at UGA, or stay in the UGA journalism program. Many choices, but no answers.

I didn't imagine a situation in which we'd both be crushed at the response. God works in surprising ways, but it's difficult to convince Ryan of a divine plan when after all his hard work and doing everything right, things still did not work out for him. He has to decide by the 19th. I'm trying my hardest to convince him to make a decision that doesn't involve me as a factor and to not lose hope. If anyone should be able to understand his need to leave this place, it should be me. Besides, he's meant for so much more than this - destiny crackles around him like static electricity. If he can just keep from giving up I know he'll change the world in unimaginable ways.

One-Track Mind; or, It All Comes Back to the Same Thing

Sequence of a Lover's Mind:

Thought #1: Wow, my roommate and my boyfriend both go off on tangents about imaginary and ridiculous situations. I should make sure they're properly introduced - they'd get along great!

Thought #2 (Immediately Following Thought #1): What if they got along too well? MY ROOMMATE AND MY BOYFRIEND MUST NEVER MEET.


Yes, that actually happened in my head. No, I'm not that jealous. I just think it's funny how much that part of me has changed.

**********************

The summer continues to run at an alarming clip. Each day is both mundane and extraordinary, and it's amazing (and depressing) how often the extraordinary parts pass without my notice.
I'm feeling a bit guilty that I'm not spending more time with the other Volunteers over the weekends, which I usually spend with Ryan or hidden while reading or struggling with art. I want to connect with my fellow Volunteers, but Ryan is my priority (I'm in love - I can't help it) and it's hard not to indulge in books I actually want to read and art that I have had to deny myself during the school year. Also, after spending so much of every day surrounded by people, my patience wears thin. Maybe they'll forgive me. They'd forgive me less, I think, if I silently clung to their coat-tails. That gets annoying for everyone.
Northwestern says they've sent off the final acceptance and rejection letters as of Friday, and their website should be updated with decisions by Monday or Tuesday. I must brace myself I must brace myself I must brace myself. No outcome of this can be altogether happy for me. Either Ryan gets in and I'm selfishly sad and lonely until whenever he graduates, or he is rejected and broken-hearted (and me with him). I can never make these things easy on myself, can I?
Two of my Burundi students leave for Atlanta on July 12. The third student will leave shortly thereafter. Lord, help me to prepare them as best I can. Their new lives will not be easy. In fact, they will be incredibly difficult. God help them.
I never really write about happy things, do I? Yeesh, I need to watch some sixties musicals or something. You know, all those people running around, dancing, telling each other how great life is while in perfect rhythm and harmony, all while stepping in unison? I could take a lesson from them. Uh. Maybe.
Ryan dreams in musicals sometimes. My dreams are always very violent. Maybe I can blame all this trite complaining on my subconscious. It obviously has some serious issues.