Summer's Ending

How on earth can typing take so much effort?

The preceeding was a half-hearted excuse for not updating.

Now then. Today marks the beginning of my last full week at Jubilee Partners, which I will leave on August 8th. I'm not sure how I feel about the time I've spent here. I was expecting something monumental, an obvious turning point. One thing I should've learned by this point in my life is to not expect things to be so simple. At my low points, I feel as though the only thing I've learned here is that there are many, many wrongs that I am guilty of or contributing to simply because I was born more priviledged than others (white, middle-class, American, able-bodied, and reasonably intelligent). I can't plead ignorance about this anymore, but I also feel powerless to do anything about it. In other words, I feel less and less worthy of the space I'm taking up on earth. On the good days, I feel like God is paying attention to me - which is humbling, though still uplifting. At any given time, I'm less and less sure about who I am, what I'm doing, and the words that come out of my mouth (I stutter a lot these days). No, I haven't found any great answers. Not even any okay answers. I haven't met my salvation or finally figured out what paths I should take. But I'm a little more open, a little more patient, and, at times, a little more hopeful. That's something, at any rate.

I'm looking forward to being back at school (remind me to read this sentence when I start complaining). I'll be working towards a goal, feeling more connected, pleasantly distracted, and using high-speed internet. Most of all, I'll constantly be near Ryan, who has decided to stay at UGA for at least one more semester. No more of the endless wishing he's here, no more of him visiting just long enough to say goodbye, no more having to beat myself up about being so hopelessly dependent. For now. We've been together nearly ten months now, and I still can't get over how weird it is. I thought I wasn't like this. I was proud, blindly driven, no one's prisoner. Now, I'm second-guessing whether I should study abroad because I don't know that I could spend another summer being so far away from him. I was also stubborn, cold, and relentlessly alone. Now, I wonder why I feel as though I have to fight against being this happy.
There. I said it. I'm happy.
I don't get it either.


Right now, these words speak the most to me. They're carved around a playground structure in the center of Jubilee, and as I look back on all the trials and mistakes and miracles that brought me here, I am certain that, somehow, this is where I'm meant to be.
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39, New International Version